Part 2 of my Communications Series. You can find Part 1 here.
In my last post, I touched on the feeling of being the only one to reach out. Often, I feel I’m the only one reaching out to others, trying to make plans ahead of time. And because of this, I not only start to doubt my friends and whether or not they want to hang out with me, but I start to doubt myself.
As I’m thinking about hanging out with a specific friend or group of friends, I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that I’m the only one that reaches out. In and of itself, this isn’t necessarily a trap. The trap is the thinking that follows this initial thought: the thoughts that you’re the only one being intentional, that you’re the only one who wants to plan to do things.
And more pessimism evolves from there. Personally, I start to wonder why my friends want to hang out with me. I start to wonder if I’m not enough of something for them to contact me. I start to feel I’m not as important to them as I thought.
I’ve recently had a bout with this line of thinking, and I didn’t combat it well. I let it get the best of me. But I’ve learned from it, too. I’ve learned that being the one to reach out and make the plans isn’t a bad thing. I’ve learned that people think differently, that different personalities and worldviews contribute to either reaching out or not.
And I’ve learned that this line of thinking should never deter me from reaching out to those friends and trying to make plans, even if the plans are just to meet up for a meal or coffee. That no matter how many thoughts like that creep into my mind, I needn’t let them get the best of me.
As people who desire relationships, we need to reach out to those around us, to those we care about. But we shouldn’t be dismayed and hurt if others don’t reach out to us as well. Perhaps reaching out is our way of being intentional, but not theirs. Perhaps theirs is being present in the moments you’re together, in the times you spend with one another.
We shouldn’t be afraid to express ourselves and our desire to spend time with another person in the ways we do and know best. Maybe that’s reaching out, maybe that’s spending time, and maybe it’s something different altogether. The best way to avoid any blame-games with close friends is to bring up the idea and discuss it.
Grow closer to one another by finding what each other see as being intentional, and learn how each other view the world. This helps avoid hurt and raises awareness between friends.
When I brought this up with a close friend, I learned that he doesn’t view the world the same way I do; that he sees sitting in class together, though we aren’t talking, as time together. And it is. But for me, it’s not intentional time together, not enough to continue building a relationship on. And I let the pessimistic thoughts get the best of me. I let them tell me I wasn’t good enough, that he wasn’t invested in our relationship, that I wasn’t important.
But those thoughts were very wrong, and he told me as much. With our differing worldviews and personalities, we saw different things, and he wasn’t aware that any inaction on his part was hurting me. After sitting down and discussing it, I’m going to try to remember that differing personalities doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. And he’s going to do his best to remember my views, as well.
But it doesn’t mean I should stop reaching out to make plans, with him or with others.
What do you think? Have you ever experienced anything similar to this? How do you view reaching out to others? What does “being intentional” mean to you? Don’t be afraid to discuss it with a friend, share below, or ask questions of me. 🙂
Voice Pianissimo 